Adoption Dictionary

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A Guide to Adoptese, the language of Adoption

Abandon vt. 1. to give up (something) completely or forever [to abandon all hope]. 2. to leave, as in danger or out of necessity; forsake; desert. By far, the vast majority of adoptees were not abandoned at birth, but it certainly may feel that way.

Acting Out v. Expressing strong emotions through overt behavior rather than words; when an individual's outward response to inner feelings cannot be revealed directly, the behavior is often destructive or maladaptive. A very common problem in families with dead horses on the dining room table.

Actuality n. A term coined by the late and world-famous psychologist Erik Erikson (who found out when he was 20 that he was adopted) Erikson believed that if you grew up not knowing your blood family you could not have a sense of actuality. What he meant by actuality is the ability to feel connected to people and events in a real way.

Actor n. 1. a person who pretends to be what he or she is not.2. an adoptee (An adoptee has to be a good actor, always trying to figure out how to be what his/her parents want him/her to be.)

Adaptable adj. 1. able to adjust oneself to new or changed circumstances 2. describing the typical adoptee

ADD (A-D-D): Adoption(/Abuse) Disrespect Disorder  n. fr. Am. “don’t talk about the dead horse on the table,”  symptoms of which mimic Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder and Learning Disability as the adult self is overtaken in behavior by the Inner Child because of fear of not being heard (justified by not having been heard).  This creates a clutter in the brain, making it nearly impossible to stay focused on the question or goal at hand and resulting in a skewed and paralyzed articulation of one’s needs.

Adopt vt. 1. to chose and bring into a certain relationship; specif., to take into one's own family by legal process and raise as one's own child. 2. to take as one's own and pretend it didn't happen.

Adoptee n.a person who is adopted. SYN.- adoptu, adopted person

Adoptese n. [Adoptu]The official language of those who have been separated by adoption.

Adopted adv. 1. describing an adoptee. 2. Describing someone who was taken into a different family by the process of adoption.

Adoption v. 1. A legal proceeding that transfers custody of a child to adoptive parents. 2. The act of being adopted.  In the United States today, approximately Three Billion dollars a year is given to adoption agencies and attorneys in exchange for babies. (Approximately 70,000 infant non relative adoptions x an average of $43,000 per adoption) In the United States, a mother loses (see below) a baby to adoption once every 7 minutes, twenty four hours a day.  Adoption can be seen as an act of violence against a mother and her child, a trauma of the highest order.  "The horrors of war pale beside the loss of a mother or [child.]" - Anna Freud and [JS]

Adoption Agency n. [Old Rou. In Transylvania, a company that separates you from your blood.] In the real world, an organization that makes money doing so.

Adoption Attorney n. Someone who practices law and makes more money than an adoption agency for doing the same thing as the agency..

Adoption Decree n.A legal document that states that one's adoptive parents are the only parents an adopted person has and that the original parents are no longer related to the adoptee; The original parents might even be declared to cease to exist

Adoption Reform Movement n. A group of dedicated people who are trying to humanize adoption laws and practices and do not get paid for doing so, in contrast with those who try to maintain the status quo and make money by fighting to do so.

Adoptoraptor n.  Another name for an adoption agency.

Adoptu n. 1.What Betty Jean Lifton has suggested adoptees should really be called, because it was done to them. 2. The language of adopted people 3. A tribe of people who were surrendered to adoption at birth [the adoptu nation.] SYN.- adoptee, adopted person

Adoptive Father n. Someone who becomes a parent through the act of adopting.

Adoptive Mother n. Someone who becomes a parent through the act of adopting.

Adoptive Parent n. Someone who becomes a parent through the act of adopting.

Adult n. Something an adopted person can never be. According to the law, an adoptee is always a child.

Affirmation n. A healing sentence or phrase that one can say out loud in one's head when it feels like it would be helpful. Saying affirmations is a very powerful healing method.

Amended Birth Certificate n.A birth certificate that is issued to adopted persons to indicate that their adoptive parents gave birth to them. This certificate assigns them the name that their adoptive parents chose for them.

Anger n. One of the most basic human emotions, and perhaps one of the scariest to acknowledge. It is very likely that most triad members have a lot of anger and need to find ways of expressing it verbally and also learn how to channel it into positive activities. Anger is a cumulative emotion and if not expressed on a regular basis in a societally acceptable way can lead to Acting Out (see above) and other medical, physical and emotional difficulties.

Anniversary Reaction n. A psychological reaction to the anniversary of traumatic events from the past, often unconscious, that can cause extreme anxiety/discomfort/body symptoms. The symptoms can often be relieved just by consciously acknowledging the traumatic event.

Anxiety n. One of the most basic human emotions, a feeling of unrest/fear/discomfort that something bad is going to happen. Often, if we can consciously figure out what we are afraid of we can calm the emotion.

Attachment n. The psychological connection that a baby forms with their adoptive family. Often confused with bonding (See below)

Attention Defecit Disorder n. A disorder that occurs in infancy, childhood, or adolescence, characterized by impulsive behavior, inattentiveness and excessive motor activity. Adoptees are frequently misdiagnosed as having A.D.D. when what is really going on is Day Dreaming about what happened at the beginning of their lives.

Authentic adj. Real or true. In adoption literature, the authentic self is often referred to as the self that would have been had the adoptee remained with the original family and the non-authentic self is the self that is formed in the adoptive family.. Search and/or reunion can assist the adopted person to reclaim much of his or her authenticity.

Baby Selling v. The practice of giving thousands of dollars to attorneys or adoption agencies in exchange for babies. In many countries (outside of the North American continent), no money is exchanged because it is considered to be the selling of human beings. In the United States today, approximately One Billion dollars a year is given to adoption agencies and attorneys in exchange for babies. (Approximately 51,000 infant adoptions x an average of $20,000 per adoption)

Bastard n. A child born out of wedlock. A word that unfortunately used to be stamped on the birth certificate of adoptees in many states. The Bible makes many derogatory statements about those whose lives started this way (See Deuteronomy 23:12). One of the most stigmatizing words referring to adopted individuals. (See Illegitimate below)

Birth n. Act. of coming into life or of being born; the delivery of a newly born child alive; descent; origin. Adoptees often cannot relate to having been born, believing instead that they come from a baby supermarket or descended from Mars or zapped into existence. Babies remember the birth experience (and being in the womb) and carry the unconscious memory with them through out life. If their first experience was a separation of mother and child, the child experiences a psychic wound. (Click on Book Store and go to the Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.)

Birthdate n. The day on which one is born; the anniversary of that day. Adoptees often find it difficult to celebrate their birthdate because it is the anniversary of the loss of their original family. Some adoptees mourn the loss of their original family on their birthdate and choose another day to celebrate being alive. In some states adoptees' birthdates are routinely falsified, deemed to be too identifying.

Birthname n. The name of the adoptee at birth, before adoption. Most adoptees do have a name and original birth certificate (see below). The birthname is given by the adoptees first mother (usually) and the surname is most often the first mother's family name.

Birthplace n. The place where a person is born. In some states an adoptee's birthplace is routinely falsified, deemed to be too identifying

Birth Certificate n. A legal document that is issued subsequent to the birth of all babies, stating the birthdate, birthplace, parents, parent's ages, parent's occupation, parent's place of birth and other information depending on the city and state of birth. Most adopted individuals have two birth certificates, an original and an amended. (See above and below)

Birthright n. Anything to which one is entitled by birth. The truth of his/her origins is the birthright of every individual, and in most countries

Black Market Adoption n. This term is applied to illegal adoptions where the rights of the child and/or mother are violated or large amounts of money change hands.

Bonding v. The psychological and physiological process of creating a significant and deep relationship between mother and child that begins no later than the beginning of the third trimester, and continues for a significant time after birth, unless mother and child are separated. Bonding can only exist between the infant and the mother that brings the child into the world. Adopted infants can attach to their adopted mothers, but not bond.

Car Crash n. 1. An automobile accident. Thousands of adoptees have been told that their original parents died in a Car Crash (a LIE for most). The reason that this was suggested by mental health professionals and others was to stop the adoptee from thinking about or searching for the original parents. This practice, which still continues today, though to a much lesser extent, is very harmful and disrespectful to both the adoptee and the original family.

Child n. 1. An infant; baby 2. An unborn offspring. 3. A boy or girl in the period before puberty 4. A son or a daughter 5. a descendant (An adoptee in most states is regarded as an adopted child for life.)

Choice n. The act of chosing; selection 2. The right, power or chance to choose; option 3. A person or thing chosen. 4. The best or most preferable part. 5. A variety from which to choose 6. An alternative

Civil Rights.n.  Those rights guaranteed to the individual by the 13th, 14th, 15th and 19th Amendments to the Constitution of the United States and by other acts of Congress; esp., ..... equal treatment of all people with respect to the enjoyment of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Several Constitutional Lawyers have stated in public that adoptees and original parents are being denied their Civil, Constitutional and Human Rights by not being allowed access to one another's identity. The test for this is are you being treated differently (discriminated against) than other people because of something about you that is immutable (not changeable). The status of being adopted or being a original parent is immutable.

Clean Slate n. The mistaken belief (still held to be true by some) that a baby comes into this world without any genetic talents, tastes, temperaments or predispositions to the aforesaid and can be shaped into whatever kind of person his parents desire.

Closed Adoption n. The process of adoption which does not allow for any contact or identifying information between original family and the adoptive family or the adoptee. Closed adoption is practiced mostly in the North American Continent. Most other countries have open adoption or at least a means of giving identifying information between the parties when the adoptee reaches the age of majority.

Coerce vt. 1. To restrain or constrain by force, esp, by legal authority; curb 2. To force or compel to do something 3. To bring about by using force; enforce Coercion adj. The act or power of coercing

Confidential n. 1. Told in confidence; imparted in secret 2. of or showing trust in another; confiding 3. Entrusted with private or secret matters.

Confidentiality adv. Confidentiality in adoption is a myth. The myth was created as a way of offering something that adoption agencies presumed would encourage women to surrender their child. In most cases "Confidentiality" was forced on all parties to an adoption. There can be no confidentiality in adoption for several reasons: a. The adoptee and her mother participated in the birth together, so it cannot be secret. b. In most states the law states that the records can be opened for good cause; since the law allows exception to "confidentiality", the promise of confidentiality could not and cannot be made in good faith.

Constitutionial Right (See Civil Rights above)

Cry vi. To sob and and shed tears, in expressing sorrow, pain, etc.; weep. Contrary to the beliefs of some, letting oneself cry about a death or separation is not a sign of weakness. Only strong people let themselves cry and feel the pain of their loss. Crying is a healthy release of emotion that is necessary for the mourning process and crying releases harmful chemicals in one's tears (they sting) and releases helpful chemicals within one's blood stream.

Dead Horse on the Dining Room Table n. A metaphor for the secrecy surrounding adoption in many adoptive families. The dead horse on the dining room table is adoption; everyone knows about it and everyone avoids it. The dead horse is stinking up the family system causing tension, anger and a lack of communication. When the horse is acknowledged, it can be removed by having ongoing conversations about the realities of adoption in the particular family.

Death v. The total and permanent cessation of vital functions; currently in humans, the determining factor is the absence of measurable brain wave activity. Normally when there is a loss of a parent to death, the surving offspring are encouraged to express their feelings of sadness, grief and anger and go through a healing period of mourning. (See Psychological Death below)

Defense Mechanism v. A mental process that protects the personality from anxiety, guilt feelings, or unacceptable thoughts. Many of these mechanisms are considered to be generally unconscious. Some of the best known mechanisms include denial, idealization, compensation, overcompensation, sublimation, projection, rationalization, intellectualization and repression. Defense mechanisms set in place at the FRACTURE (see below) are responsible for many adoptees not knowing they have feelings about the separation from their mothers at birth.

Defect n. 1. Lack of something necessary for completeness; deficiency; shortcoming 2. An imperfection or weakness; fault; flaw; blemish.

Defective adj. 1. Having a defect of defects; imperfect; faulty. 2. Having some bodily or mental defect. Adoptees often feel that they are defective (or their mothers would have kept them) and they often believe that the defect is that they are unlovable.

Deli-Man n. The man behind the counter in the Deli that makes the pastrami on rye with mustard that you ordered and uses mayonnaise instead; and you explode with rage. The rage is from the accumulation of anger about past events in one's life that have not been acknowledged or validated. This over-reaction can be changed by learning to channel and express anger in societally approved ways.

Denial v. The defense mechanism that protects the personality from anxiety or guilt by disavowing or ignoring unacceptable thoughts, emotions or wishes.

Emotion n.  A feeling or mood; a state of mind usually accompanied by concurrent physiological and behavioral changes and based on the perception of some internal or external events.

Entitlement  n.  Services, goods and rights due to an individual by virtue of a specific status. Many adoptees and original parents do not feel entitled to among other things....respect, fair treatment by authority etc, because of the losss of their mother/child.

Equality n.  The principle that individuals should have equal access to services, resources and opportunities and be treated the same by all social, educational, governmental institutions.  Adoptees and original parents are surely not given equality in many areas of their lives.

Ethnicity  n.  An orientation toward the shared national origin, religion, race, or language of a people; also, a person's ethnic affiliation, by virtue of one or more of these characteristics and traditions.

Exiled mother n. The original (blood) mother of an adoptee. Many exiled mother's would understandably prefer to be identified as mother.

Exposure n.  An exposing or being exposed.   In adoption it is commonly refers other people having knowledge of one's status as an original  parent or adoptee.  There is great fear, sometimes even terror,  among many adoptees and birthparents of being "found out"

Family Preservation n.  Keeping families intact.  Providing services that Help women keep their babies.

Father  n.  1. a man who has engendered a child   2. the male parent  - vt.  1. to be the father of; beget  2. to care for as a father does; protect; rear, etc.

Fear  n.  The emotional and physical reaction to an identifiable or percieved source of danger

Feelings n.  (See Emotions)

Fixer n.  A person who fixes things.    Adoptees are often fixers in their adoptive families because they were adopted to "cure" their parent's childlessness.  Because of this, the adoptee often feels responsibility for the adoptive parent's marriage and overall happiness.  This  often leads  to the adoptee becoming a people pleaser.  (See People Pleaser)

Fracture n.  1.  a breaking or being broken  2. a break, crack or split   -vt.,  to break, crack, or split  2. to break up; disrupt   It seems likely that every adoptees suffers the "fracture" of their personality at about the age of seven and that a new personality develops based on the belief that the adoptee is unloveable or wouldn't have been given up.

Free Floating Feelings n.  Pervasive anger, anxiety, sadness, tension not attached to specific threats, situations or ideas.  Adoptees and their exiled mothers often experience these very frightening feelings.

Genetic   adj.  1. of the genesis, or origin or something  2. of  or having to do with genetics  3.  inherited.

Genetic Attraction   n.  A very strong physical attraction that often occurs between adoptees and their original parents and/or siblings upon reunion.  The attraction happens for a variety of reasons and those that feel it need to be extremely careful that they do not act upon the feelings.

Ghost n. 1. orig., the spirit or soul  2. the supposed disembodied spirit of a dead person  3. a haunting memory    It can be said that the ghosts of the original parents live in the adoptive home and that the ghosts of the adoptive family live in the original parent's homes.

Greymarket adoption n. - .  Baby selling between 2 parties who know each other and agree to a monetary exchange - no lawyers involved although adoption legalized in court - where everyone swears that no money changed hands.

Guilt  n.  An emotional reaction to the perception of having done something wrong, having failed to do something, or violating an important social norm.   The reaction is often a loss of self-esteem and a desire to make restitution.  The most useless of our emotions; worrying today about something from the past that cannot be changed.

Healing  vt. To remedy or get rid of grief and troubles, etc.  To restore to health a wound or sore. "Healing involves a lot of time and patience.  I look at it as climbing a mountain of recovery.  Each person’s path up the mountain is different, the climb steep, but climbable, no matter what.  There are many crevices and gullies on the way up, perhaps some abysses too, but each crevice, gully or abyss is still part of your path up the mountain and going down into it and up the other side is part of your path to freedom.  Freedom from constant fear, pain, sadness and anger.   When one stops being afraid of her emotions, one is truly free.  Peace and contentment and happiness are the reward.  Quiet desperation can become Tranquility"

 "Injuries caused by separation of mother and child can, in time and with work, be dealt with effectively to the point where the loss will not interfere daily in our lives.  Instead, the pain might rear it's head a few times a year.  We may need to cry--get a hug and perhaps vent our anger--but the pain will pass more quickly each time."

Heredity  a. The transmission of characteristics from parents to offspring through chromosomes that bear the genes; also, the tendency of an individual to manifest the traits of this or her progenitors.

Heritage  n.  1. Something handed down from one's ancestors or the  past, as a characteristic, a culture, tradition, etc.
2. the rights, burdens, or status resulting from being born in a certain time or place; birthright

Human Right  n. The opportunity to be accorded the same privileges and obligations in social fulfillment as are accorded to all others without distinction as to race, sex, language, or religion.

Hyperactive  adj.  Extremely, abnormally active.  In adoptees, this is very often hyper-vigilance caused by anxiety due to the trauma of the Primal Wound

Hypervigilant   adj.  A state of excessive wariness/watchfulness by a child.  This condition is often confused with hyperactive behavior and is really due to the child's fear of the initial separation from her mother being repeated.  She is worried that something bad will happen and therefore is watching all around her for signs of danger.

Identifying Information  n.  In adoption search , identifying information is that information that would allow someone to identify the person being sought.  Such information would be a name, birthdate, social security number, last known address etc.  By law, in most states of the U.S., identifying information about an adoption is not allowed to be given to anyone.  (Most people will succeed in their search in spite of this lack of identifying information.

Illegitimate adj. 1. Laws that prohibit or inhibit adoptees and original parents from finding each other. 2. Any act of coercion that separates families. It is illogical that this word should be an adjective for a human being.

Infertility n. Inability to bear offspring, often the reason people adopt. Read, "When Infertility Goes Shopping."

Informed Choice n. A decision made based on all possible knowledge of the results of that decision being available to the decision maker beforehand.

Inner Child n. The childlike usually hidden part of a person's personality that is characterized by playfulness, spontaneity, and creativity usu. accompanied by anger, hurt, and fear attributable to childhood experiences.

Inner Child Work n.

Intimacy n. Intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity.

Jail n.  A place of punishment, behind the bars of which, baby sellers belong.

Jealousy n.  Wanting something someone else has.  A normal human emotion. It does not mean you don't wan the other person to have it.  It just means you want it too.

Kinship Adoption  v.   A family member (adolescent child, niece, cousin, etc.) has an unintended pregnancy and another family member agrees to adopt the baby to keep the child in the family

Legal Guardianship (LG) n. An humane alternative to adoption if a child cannot possibly be raised by someone in his natural family.  LG consists of a baby being legally placed in a home with two parents who will insure that the baby will have as much contact as possible with the natural family. There will be no change of the baby's name, no sealed records, no loss of identity in any way.

Learning Disability n. A neurological condition that prevents learning in the normal way.  Adoptees oft en appear to be learning disabled when in fact their unconscious mind is so busy trying to figure out what happened to them and why that they just can't focus enough to learn well.  (See ADD above)

Liberty and Justice for All  n.  The equality that adoptees and mothers of adoption loss do not have, a violation of their human rights. (The Litmus Test for human rights violation is that you are being treated differently because there is something about you that is immutable.)

Loveable  adj. Worthy of being loved.  One of the most difficult hurdles for adopted people. All babies are lovable but in their core, adoptees have a hard time believing it true about themselves.  So do mothers of adoption loss. Believing one is lovable is the keystone to healing the wounds of separation of mother and child.

Memory n.    1. The mental faculty of retaining and recalling past experience.  2. The act or an instance of remembering; recollection: spent the afternoon lost in memory.

Moses  n.   The savior of the Jewish people who led the Jews out of Egypt.  An adoptee who, when he asked God for his true identity was told.

Mother  n.  1. a woman who has born a child   2. the female parent  - vt.  1. to be the mother of; give birth to  2. to care for as a mother does.

Mourning, n.  The expression of sorrow for someone's death.  Adoptees and mothers of adoption loss experience the death of their "other" when they are separated.  Most adoptees and mothers of adoption loss are not allowed to mourn the loss of their "other" which causes a myriad of problems.  Un-grieved losses paralyze lives in many ways.

Nature n. The built in part of who we are that is in our genes. temperament, taste in foods, talents, hobbies, emotional strength, etc. are very genetically predisposed. 

Non-Identifying Information.  n.  Information about one's past that adoptees may access by law in some states.  Information given varies from a lot to very little and may not include anything by which one could identify one's family.

Numbness n.  The state of not feeling any emotions. Just as novocaine numbs one's mouth during dental procedures, our mind can numb our emotions so that we are not aware of our feelings.  It is very common for trauma victims to become numb, the result of their mind's defense against unbearable  pain.  (The separation of mother and child is a trauma of the highest order.)

Nurture n. The part of who we are that is the result of the parenting we receive.  Our morals, ethics can be gotten from the parenting one receives, however many believe that these qualities may be genetic as well.

Original Birth Certificate. (OBC) n. An adoptee's true birth certificate, issued at birth that lists the true names of the adoptees parents, their ages and address. The OBC is sealed when an adoption takes place.

Orphan n. a child whose parents are deceased.  (Half Orphan is a child who has lost one parent to death)

Panic Attack  n.   A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause.  Panic attacks are  a common problme for adoptees and mothers of adoption loss, a common symptom of PTSD resulting from the causative trauma.

People Pleaser n. A person who spends a lot of  energy pleasing others.  Adoptees are often people pleasers.   One reason is to ensure their place in the adoptive home, fearing that if they don't please their parents they will be sent back or abandonned.  (See also Fixer)  People pleasing can then extend to one's friends etc and the adoptee often winds up pleasing everyone but him/herself.

Predator n.  A person who "hunts" human beings with the intent to exploit, rob, plunder and pillage their body, mind, heart and/or soul, emotionally, physically or sexually.

Primal Wound n. "...When the natural evolution of continued bonding of mother and child is interrupted by a postnatal separation of both, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious mind of the newborn., causing that which the author Nancy Newton Verrier, M.A. rightfully calls the Primal Wound." Y

Psychic Shock or Trauma  n. A psychologically upsetting experience that produces a mental disorder or otherwise has lasting negative effects on a person's thoughts, feelings, or behavior.

Psychological Death n.   When a mother and child are separated by adoption, each of them experiences the death of the other.  This experience is a psychological death, a trauma that is rarely acknowledged as such, which make the experience even more traumatic.  When a death is not acknowledged, the sufferer is said to have disenfranchised grief.    Psychological death is unknown in regular psychology literature

Questions   n.   Expressions of inquiry addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.  Questions asked by those separated by adoption are most often unanswered,  met with blank stares or given the response of "you have no right to know."

Rage 1.  n. Violent, uncontrollable anger.  2. v.  Feel or express violent uncontrollable anger. Adoptees and mothers of adoption loss often have severe difficulty controlling their anger.  Unacknowledged pain and anger only fuels rage caused by their separation caused by adoption.

Reality Testing n.  The objective evaluation of an emotion or thought against real life, as a faculty present in normal individuals but defective in psychotics.  Adoptees and mothers of adoption loss are very often put in an existential bind because they are told to make believe that their losses did not exist.  Mothers are commonly told to forget they had a baby and adoptees are usually told to forget they have another mother. 
[I've been asked by a well known psychiatrist how adoptees and moms survive this bind.]

Recovery - vt.  Simply put, the healing of wounds.  "Healing from the wounds of separation of mother and child involves a lot of time and patience.  I look at it as climbing a mountain of recovery.  Each person’s path up the mountain is different, the climb steep, but climbable, no matter what.  There are many crevices and gullies on the way up, perhaps some abysses too, but each crevice, gully or abyss is still part of your path up the mountain and going down into it and up the other side is part of your path to freedom.  Freedom from constant fear, pain, sadness and anger.   When one stops being afraid of her emotions, one is truly free.  Peace and contentment and happiness are the reward.  Quiet desperation can become Tranquility" 

"Injuries caused by separation of mother and child can, in time and with work, be dealt with effectively to the point where the loss will not interfere daily in our lives.  Instead, the pain might rear it's head a few times a year.  We may need to cry--get a hug and perhaps vent our anger--but the pain will pass more quickly each time."

Rejection - v.  The act of being discarded as defective or useless; being thrown away; not being given affection or love, being considered unlovable.  Adoptees and mother's of  adoption loss can often find rejection anywhere, even on the side of a streetlamp.  (See street lamp below)

Registry n. An index of cross-referenced information. In the adoption movement, a registry is a list of names, birth names, birth dates, places of birth etc in the hope of matching those separated by adoption. While the registries work and should be used, they should not be relied on; most people have a reunion by doing an active search through one of the hundreds of adoption search and organizations in this country and abroad.

Regression v.   One of the defense mechanisms identified by Freud. According to Freud there are times when people are faced with situations that are so anxiety provoking that they can't deal with it and they protect themselves by retreating to an earlier stage of development, being completely unaware of the regressed behavior.  Reunion almost always causes the adoptee and mother of adoption loss to regress.

Repression v. The defense mechanism that acts to keep information out of conscious awareness. However, these memories don't just disappear; they continue to influence our behavior. For example, a person who has repressed memories of abuse suffered as a child may later have difficulty forming relationships.

Respect n.   Caring and regard for the worth of someone and their personal feelings, thoughts, qualities, abilities, etc.  Respect is often lacking in the treatment of adoptees and mothers of adoption loss.

Sadness n. One of the basic emotions.  A feeling of being unhappy, especially because something bad has happened.

Sealed Records Laws n.  Laws that seal adoption records. In all but a few states in the US the records are sealed permanently. In most countries adoption records are not even sealed.

Separation Anxiety n.  A psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (e.g. a parent, partner, close friend)  For an adopted person the anxiety can be terrifying as it is can be a triggering of the initial loss of the adoptee's mother.. the terror can be of imminent death.

Search v.tr.   1. To go or look through (a place, area, etc.) carefully in order to find something or someone missing or lost.  2. To look at or beneath the superficial aspects of.  to discover a motive, reaction, feeling, basic truth, etc.

Secrecy   n.  The concealing or withholding of information.  

Self-Mutilation  n.  A general term for a variety of forms of intentional self-harm without the wish to die. Cutting one's skin with razors or knives is the most common pattern of self-mutilation. Others include biting, hitting, or bruising oneself; picking or pulling at skin or hair; burning oneself with lighted cigarettes, or amputating parts of the body.

Self-Worth  - n.  The sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.  Adoptees and mothers of adoption loss often  have difficulty believing in their self-worth.

Sensitive  - adj.  Highly responsive and susceptible to the feelings of others.  Adoptees and mothers of adoption loss are often 'accused' of being too sensitive.  What's wrong with being sensitive?

Shame  n.   A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.

Slavery n.   The state of one bound in servitude as the property of a household.  There are many parallels between adoption and slavery.

Smell  n.    The faculty or power of perceiving odors or scents by means of the organs in the nose.  Memory and smell are intertwined; it’s through memory that we learn to remember smells. Some of this learning starts even before we are born, when fetuses learn about their mother’s preferences through the amniotic fluid.

Street lamp Reaction  v.  The slightest incident, remark, event or even a smudge on the side of a street lamp can be perceived by an adoptee or mother as a “rejection” or “abandonment” and can create simultaneous feelings of rage, terror, hatred, pain and sadness that to the sufferer have no cause.  Our inner child plunges instantly into the depths of hell and is ready to explode; unaware of what is truly happening.

Support Group n. A place, physical or on-line for people who share similar life experiences to meet and give each other emotional caring, support and understanding.  There are approximately 450 adoptee/mothers of adoption loss support groups in the world.  There are approx 16 million adoptees and mothers of adoption loss in the United States alone.  Strangely, there are approximately 400 twelve step programs in the new york city metro-area for about the same number of non-adoption related issues.

Suppression v. The defense mechanism that is a "conscious" exclusion (or "pushing" down) of these painful memories, thoughts, etc. In this way, we control impulses consciously as opposed to unconsciously.   Suppression can be vital to self-preservation and is usually manifested in such ways as refusing to talk or think about a traumatic event until some time afterwards, when it feel safe to do so.

Surrender v. The term used for signing over of a baby by its mother for adoption.  In the United States, a mother loses a baby for adoption once every 7 minutes, twenty four hours a day.  

Surrender Papers n. Contrary to popular belief, the surrender papers only state that the mother surrenders her right to parent the baby. There is no mention of confidentiality, caring, searching or privacy.

Temperament n. The combination of mental, physical, and emotional traits of a person; natural predisposition.  Temperament is highly genetically predisposed.

Terror  n.    An period of intense, sharp overriding fear or anxiety, especially of death.

Terrorist  n.   A person or organization that causes terror.

Trauma  n.  An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage and overwhelms the individual's ability to cope, and leaves that person fearing death, annihilation, mutilation, or psychosis.  The individual may feel emotionally, cognitively, and physically overwhelmed, totally unable to cope. 

Trust  n.   The first developmental task of a new born baby is to learn to trust the world.  The loss of one's mother at the beginning of one's life can greatly hinder one's ability to trust.

Unreal adj.   Lacking in reality, substance, or genuineness : artificial, illusory; also : incredible, fantastic. It is common for adoptees to not 'feel' real, to not believe they were really born. (See the definition of Actuality above.)

Validation v.    To acknowledge and accept a person’s feelings, thoughts, behaviors and internal experience as valid and understandable.  It is common for adoptees and mothers of adoption loss to lack validation of their feelings.  This can lead one to not be aware of and/or not trust their own emotions.

Wavelength (emotional)  n.  Ways of thinking, and emotional responses.  Because temperament (see definition above) is so highly genetically predisposed, it is common for adoptees and their adoptive parents to be on different emotional wavelengths.  This often  leads to a feeling of unrest, invalidation and feelings of despair for an adoptee from childhood on.

Xenophobe  n.  Fear of strangers.  There is evidence that newborn adopted babies experience a form of xenophobia.  They go from all that is safe in the world, their natural mother, to a new mom who does not smell right, sound right or look right.  A total stranger to the baby who may be totally terrified of the 'strange' mom.

Yearning  v.  An intense feeling of loss or lack and longing for something or someone.

Zero  n.   The number of annual adoptions that some countries with true family values are close to achieving.

(Some of the definitions come from the NASW Social Work Dictionary by Robert L. Barker)

Last Updated on February 28,  2013 by Joe Soll

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