“Against the background of history, too prominent to escape the observation from which it shrinks, stands a figure, mute, mournful and indescribably sad. It is a girl holding in her arms the blessing and burden of motherhood, but in whose face one finds no trace of maternal joy or pride… Who is this woman, so pitiable, yet so scorned? It is the mother of the illegitimate child. By forbidden paths she has obtained the grace of maternity, but its glory is for her transfigured into a badge of unutterable shame.” - Albert Leffingwell, Illegitimacy: A Study in Morals

Hundreds of thousands of young women were teenagers and pregnant. What made them weak, so vulnerable, that they would even consider having sex at their age? And without any protection! Why did they take that chance? Surely they knew what could happen… and it had.

∙ The vast majority of mothers of loss are well educated. Their moral character is no better and no worse than anyone else’s. They could easily be a college professor, neighbor, aunt, sister, doctor, lawyer, therapist or pastor.

∙ Bonding begins well before birth. Babies truly experience the loss of their mothers no matter when it occurs. (See Loss in the Adoption Hand-off, Appendix C)

∙ When a woman is at the most vulnerable time of her life, resourceless and scared to death, instead of being offered help to keep her baby, she is only offered ‘help’ to surrender her baby. The pressures from society and the adoption industry force her to surrender. There is no choice for her but adoption.

“... unwed mothers... had to deal individually with personal shame and blame; rejecting parents and boyfriends…” – Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy And Race Before Roe V. Wade –, Rickie Solinger

What would they say, the fathers of the unborn
children who grew inside of them? Would they
help? Would they stand beside the young woman?
Would they claim it was someone else’s child,
refuse to be involved or just walk away? There
were no mechanisms in place to force them to be
responsible for their part in these criminal conceptions.

This was “back then”… the 1950s, 60s and 70s… the Age of Aquarius, rebellion, social upheaval, the Vietnam War, rock n’ roll, women’s lib and the sexual revolution. But the sexual revolution didn’t apply to these young women. They fell into the abyss.

Sex oozed out of their radios, rubbed on as they slow danced, teased and tempted through books and movies. Remember, “A Summer Place?” Sex was everywhere but birth control was not. There were no pills, no IUDs and no sex education in their classrooms! Most parents ignored the warnings. They were too embarrassed to speak frankly and openly with their daughters. They felt helpless to protect them from this fate... from “unwed motherhood.”

These newly pregnant, young women disappeared from school. One day they were there, and the next day they were gone. No one knew where they went but everyone knew why they left. They got pregnant. They probably thought unwed pregnancy could never happen to them.

The denial was great, staggering actually. The panic and shame were so huge that the mind would do just about anything to avoid acceptance of the truth. And they went to great lengths to hide those gestating truths! Their dresses got tight and then tighter. Safety pins allowed for an extra inch here and there. Sweaters covered up the zippers that would no longer zip. Some must have been thankful for empire dresses.

Parents assumed the problem was just adolescent chubbiness--a temporary metabolic condition that their daughter would outgrow. If pregnancy entered their minds, it was quickly dismissed. They didn’t believe it could happen to their daughter. Their families were good families, respectable families. Unwed pregnancy was unthinkable.

These young women struggled desperately to hide the nausea many of them experienced, running to the bathroom with claims of the flu. They wondered how long they could continue with the lies. Apprehension grew with each passing day.

Thoughts of the dreaded parental confrontation were agonizing. Face-to-face or by phone? How to say it? “Mom, Dad, I’m in trouble.” No more needed to be said. Just that one, short sentence. How did they react?

“Whether she remains in school or leaves is often decided by others. In most instances the plan for the baby is predetermined. Often these matters are decided without her being able to state her own preferences.” – Helping Unmarried Mothers –, Rose Bernstein (1971)

With the expected recriminations?
Screaming, crying, name calling? “Whore!
Slut! Tramp! How could you do this to us?”
Some daughters were thrown out and

back to this house!” But some parents said, “Don’t worry, we’ll help you.” The problem for these mothers, learned much later, was that the help that was offered to them was far, far worse than keeping their babies and dealing with the social consequences.

“… social discrimination… manifests itself … in the reaction of the unmarried mother to the circumstances which deeply affect her social position…. If she is still of school age she may be suspended. If she has a job she may lose it and may encounter great difficulties in finding another, precisely at a time when she is in greatest need of moral and financial help.” Status Of The Unmarried Mother: Law And Practice, The Social Position Of The Unmarried Mother, Part Two, Report of the Secretary-General, Commission on the Status of Women, United Nations, New York (1971)

Many sought out the fathers
of the soon-to-be-born babies to
give them the news. However,
some were never told and never
knew. As a result, the newly
pregnant sinners found them-
selves alone, ashamed and
terrified.

Decisions were made quickly.
The pregnant girls were either expelled from school or removed by their parents who then scrambled with decisions of where to hide their daughters, along with their embarrassing secret. Much was lost overnight: classmates left wondering, missed proms and graduations without names called or diplomas offered.

Some soon-to-be mothers became instant prisoners of their own homes, hiding in attics or bedrooms when company stopped by. Some were shipped off to distant relatives with claims of school difficulties and/or emotional disturbances. Many, however, were “visiting an aunt” which was the common catch phrase for interment in a maternity “home” which was nothing more than an “unwed mother” detention center.

∙ Single pregnant girls and young women fell through the cracks in record numbers and were not afforded social or legal protections. The sexual revolution was in full force and birth control options were not yet available to single women..

∙ Denial helped to hide impending motherhood not only from parents but from the soon-to-be mothers themselves.

∙ Fathers of the babies who were ultimately surrendered were never held accountable. Parents disposed of “the problem” by banishing their daughters to punitive maternity institutions.

∙ Pregnant, single women were forced like criminals to hide away in maternity reformatories, in the homes of relatives or their own homes.

∙ Close your eyes and try to go back in time to “then.” Try to visualize that helpless, hopeless, resourceless, pregnant young woman. Can you have empathy for her?

∙ You might be experiencing some tightness in your chest or some anxiety or pain. You might be feeling something undefinable. The emotions attached to losing a child are among the most powerful in human experience and need to be respected. It’s okay to feel these things. Look around you. Reassure yourself that nothing is happening now. Say aloud in your head, “Nothing is happening now; I know it feels like it, but we are okay!” Memorize this because this is one of the most common and powerful of the healing affirmations that you will be learning as you progress on your journey. [What you just did was Inner Child work and what you said out loud in your head was an anti-anxiety affirmation.] Try to write down your feelings and thoughts in your journal. If you don’t have one, Now is a good time to start one.